google suggestions – let’s point and laugh

so it’s been around for a while now, but google has suggestions for searches.  we all know and use them and they can be very helpful.  but what happens when you stop and look for a second at what is being suggested for you?  i did a little experiment today, mostly by accident, during one of my searches through firefox’s integrated search.  i only got part of the way into my search when i started laughing uncontrollably at what was being suggested.

now bear in mind, these aren’t specific to me, as i am not logged into google at the moment and my account doesn’t keep search history, nor does my browser keep any history beyond a session.  here’s what was suggested when i searched for: possible to

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

personally i find it hilarious that a possible search is “possible to iterate multiple times over an iterator“.  what is that? and more importantly, who searches for that?  so as a follow-up i searched for: what are the chances

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the scary part was that out of the top 10, 9 of them were dealing with pregnancy in some way.  have we lost our minds?  got any other really normal searches that get some super-random results?  hit us up and let us know.

Tip Ticklers

thank you ohio state for proving my theory true. i watch all bowl games, and sorry ladies if you are not sports fans this blog is not for you.  ohio state goes 11-1 or 10-2 every year and makes it to a sweet bcs bowl game.  they are mediocre at best and for all fans who worship the horseshoe, griffin, hawk and the fact you beat michigan all i have to say is sorry, your team is a cock tease.  ohio state football is the anti fun. it is the girl that you take home and all of a sudden she finds morality.  they are always ranked in the top 10 and have studs that are nfl bound, but when it comes to crunch time they sit on their thumbs.  i hate them for ruining my bowl watching fun.  you know they are going to shit the bed and if i were a gambling man i would wager my house against the choke factory that is this team.  sure you won in 2003, on a bogus pass interference call and a handjob from the back judge, but this is what osu football is to me……

ohio state football is the ultimate tip tickler or commonly referred to as a blue-baller.  you show up to the bar smoking hot and ready for action. you wear your friday underpants, which is code for someone is going to take my pants off and see that i am a party girl and my holiest of holy is going to get some work.  i buy you drinks, we sweet talk and make out in the bar.  i live off campus and you dont so i am in like flynn.  we get naked and diddle around. me with the bean and you with the atari game stick. then, you go to the bathroom. in that bathroom you have a revelation.  the town bicycle no longer is up for riding and you are turning over a new leaf.  you become the anti christ.  you want to cuddle, remember that you have a boyfriend 400 miles away and forget the fact that if the police asked anyone on campus to sketch your poonany 50 people could describe it to the hair. there is no joy in mudville and i cant even pick up the bat anymore after all of the crying.  i am sober and pissed that the other sure thing is in the next room getting worked like a big mac in ethiopia by my roommate that cant even spell.  maybe a handjob you say, ohio state, demon of football.  watching you is like a handjob with a chick wearing sandpaper gloves. no thanks.  Now find your own way home.

dear foodnetwork.com, we need to break up

it was a long time coming and sadly i’m the one who has dragged this out longer than it needed to be, but after years we need to break up.  i’m sorry, and i’m not gonna try and pull the ‘it’s not you it’s me‘ bit, because it clearly isn’t me, it’s all your fault.

see, i used to go to your for advice, guidance and some really good recipes.  now, you have become a vast wasteland of commercials, table-scapes, and ugh, sandra lee and guy fieri.  gone are the days of respectable cooks and chefs like mario batali, ming tsai, and david rosengarten.  these people have been replaced with hacks like sandra lee, rachel ray and guy fieri.  it’s no wonder they jumped ship, they saw where it was all headed and were ahead of the curve.

recently your homepage and whole site, for that matter, underwent a huge revamp and i have to say that frankly it sucks.  i can’t find anything on your site to save my holiday party or even a random weeknight dinner.  i click on one of your pages to view recipes and a new page loads and a video starts, with no recipes on the page at all.  a video?  if i wanted to see emeril fuck up another recipe i would click on the video or turn on your tv channel.  you can’t even get to the recipes anymore without searching for almost exactly the name of the recipe.  what good is that?  i used to got to you for ideas, now i try like hell to stay away.

don’t even get me started on the shameless coupon placement in the actual recipes themselves.  really, who needs a coupon for salt?  it’s salt you dumbasses, it’s dirt cheap. even kosher salt is cheap, do you really need a coupon?  please, please stop making cookware and overpriced tuscan herb mix.  please rework your site to stop trying to hock your shitty wares and corporate sponsorships from wal-mart and kraft.  

listen, until you make some major changes we are through.  i will continue to frequent places like allrecipes.com or epicurious.com.  they have good content that’s a mix of users and pros and really good comments.  their pages load fast, and most of all i don’t feel like i’m purposely going to an entire site that’s one big fucking commercial.  if you’re like me, stay away.

you know, it’s a funny thing about websites that make money off of giving free content by selling ads: if no one goes to the site or clicks on the ads, they don’t make any money.  my vote: stay away.

hate MTV….worship tlc,discovery and bravo

suck it mtv for ruining a great thing. you launched the careers of such greats as duran duran, billy idol, guns n’ roses, men without hats, oingo boingo, morris day and the time and the list goes on and on. now you play crap reality and faux reality shows.  you put on the air the most senseless shit. like a 400 pound teenager who wants to be an underware model. fuck you false hope, the kid cries in his whopper that he isn’t suppose to be eating, the whole show. gone are the days of carson daly, which is good. but he played videos which is also good. the hills would be a guilty pleasure, if it wasnt staged and if you could kill off nude beard spencer. made sucks. i hate the coaches and the kids. if you are 18 and you still wear disney pajamas and watch disney movies on friday night while reciting all of the lines you should be an outcast. fuck you kid. and your parents suck too. where are you dad? your kids a creep and is doomed to be a crooked gaurd at a juvi hall or “that guy” in your neighborhood. now you want to be a prom king….fuck off junior.

i will give my annual tv props to 3 stations and the shows that they have on it.

1.) bravo-top chef. nuff said. project runway good. heidi klum good.

2.)tlc- it takes balls to run this sunday lineup-little people, big world…mermaid girl…didnt know i was pregnant….WOW

3.)discovery-planet earth, bear grylls. 2 awesome shows.

so mtv, take a note. play videos or stop calling yourself mtv. good day.

an open letter to five for fighting

stop.  please for the love of all things stop.  personally i am a huge fan of music, not your music, but you just need to close the cover on the piano and walk away.  though i’m sure many people will read this and see this as free press for the group (one singer actually) but i digress.  you need to stop.

i’m sick and fucking tired of hearing your song ‘world’ as a promo for just about everything.  do i want to watch commercials for ‘the biggest loser’ or ‘extreme makeover: home edition’ and hear  your whiny castrated voice?  do i want to see brian fucking boytano do a figure skating routine on the today show to your song?  do i feel any more compelled to spend my money at sears during the holiday season because of this song?  the answer to all 3 is ‘no’.  a big ‘fuck  you’ no.  i know what kind of world i want, and it doesn’t have you in it.

also, while you’re at it can you destroy all the master gold recordings of your albums that include the following songs: 100 years, superman, world, and easy tonight.  i hope that you can find this a reasonable request.  thank you in advance for your time.  though i will offer one simple consolation.  you can continue to record music, though just never license it for shitty promos ever again.

Ahhhhhh…..the Holidays

being a guy who thinks the holiday season is full of crap, i would like to issue some topics that are off limits at holiday parties, that is off limits for discussion.  these topics make a party fun, but given the crowd we as normal people can’t bring them up, which makes talking with your gay, republican, seminarian, protestant, yoga instructor, pedi uncle hard.

1.) politics- don’t try this topic on the southside, or any side, there is always a bush fanatic that thinks all is well and shit happens for a reason, like a depression.

2.) masturbation- a funny topic in general like public intoxication and urination. just not a topic while you pass stuffing to your fat aunt rose who hasn’t had a manfriend visit the sanctuary in 30 years and cant find the cooter located somewhere under her belly button with an atlas and gps.

3.) race-chances are your father or grandfather has never had a friens with different skin tones, and they are 12 nogs deep.  leave this alone, it is always no fun.

4.) homosexuality- falls in line with race, and lets face it, lesbian porn isnt reality and people just dont live in the real world. not that there is anything wrong with that,

5.) annnnnd finally…..in the spirit of 2008. the Jonas Brothers.  who the fuck cares and why are they in existence is a topic in itself.  but you may have niece that cares and doesn’t give a shit that they dont really play music and that the whole point of being in a boy band is to snag ass, and not stay celibate.  so fuck you jonas bros, you are the anti christ, fun and man dream.

how do i start off a holiday conversation……..i break the rules and simply say…”any of you guys remember the time when you fucked a sock with shampoo in it, while watching lesbian porn, with your african american friend who hates jesus and the president while worshiping allah, and listening to the new jonas album.”……..good times.

Concrete writing and “L” awesomeness

I walked passed a nice slab of freshly laid concrete the other morning. i thought to myself, hey asshead write something to immortalize yourself forever.  i could’ve done a michael scott and dunked my face head first.  I could have outed some non gay friends for personal amusement. i could have decided to share political views, draw a boner or wriiten my initials with a sweet cock drawing. instead i left this perfect canvas to amateurs. kids, with no knowledge of concrete edicate.  i worked another shit day in the office. when i got off the train i wlked to the now dry concrete and some clver fuckbag wrote “fuck you you fucking fuck” in the sidewalk. of all things to say, he may have said it perfectly.  you want to swear. you want your statement to be read. also, cause a stir. fuck you you fucking fuck. clever. now mow my lawn.

i ride public transportation. i saw the most awesome, and disguting and filthy things in the past 10 years of public transit.  not a drunk guy. not a weirdo, bum or hooker.  diversey ave, guy gets on, staers at a good looking girl and relieves himself while singing “the national anthem”. just great. pissed and pooped himself, sang the national song and still asked the girl for her name and number. I only wish my balls were that big. thank god im in the usa, he got off at the next stop as if nothing happened. i love you old man.

Don’t try to become “my boy”

i run with a solid crew of degenerates, countrymen,cops, die hards, firemen, guys who quote rocky and can recite the super bowl shuffle verbatem while drinking jamison and tell you all of walter payon and mike ditka’s stats as a coach and secondly(hall of fame career) as a player.  the guys that i am privledge to dine on a brat and watch or go to a game with from time to time are fans.  they have t-shirts that they wear in public that state “green bay sucks, and brett favre swallows’ or ” i would rather have my sister in a whorehouse than a brother who is a cardinals fan.” so basically they eat lightning and crap thunder (to quote mickey from rockey 1).  being a father, and a guy who wears his gear out in public as he pushes a swing or rides a see-saw i run into bozo’s in my now yuppie filled neighborhood who try to be cool, but have no friends and approach me and want to talk sports. this is dedicated to you douchebag dad, wearing all black with a starbucks in hand and pretending to know sports…you met the wrong guy, who is still nursing a hangover from the debacales of ‘03, ‘06, and 5 days ago.

what do you say when you are wearing a bears shirt and hat and a guy comes up and says “i took a nap and caught the last 11 seconds of the game. how could the bears blow it? why didn’t they kick it long”

my answer-first of all i hate you. you suck. you are wearing a baby bjorn(please google) and your child is 4. second. i haven’t napped in 8 years, i watched the entire game and i listened to pregame. so fuck yourself. third, if you bring up the cubs i will kill you…..and he did…..cocksucker.  i finally have the taste of manny ramirez’s jock off my tongue and here comes joey mcsuckfan, the guy who can afford good seats and shows up late,and uses old style as a punchline and doesnt worship as a diety,  to drop some knowledge. what happened? fuckbag asks. do you have 45 days i reply. i haven’t missed an inning in 9 years, so i can tell you who pitched in middle relief the last time the expos were the expos at home in ‘05…..your answer is mike remlinger and this guy can go to hell, i hate him. he asks me if i play golf. i state that i dont have time to play golf with people i like, so out of my 23 free hours a year he isnt going to take 6. why does this happen? its god, telling me that the most important things in life are not played at 3 on saturday or noon on sundays. the most important things are meeting fuckwads on a playground who wear versace loafers while spouting nonsense and before they mailed in for their wife, had to pay for it and didn’t know what the smell of a budweiser was. This guy couldn’t tell me the shortstop of the ‘89 cubs, shawon dunston, or that jody davis did lead all catchers in homers in ‘84. i just glad that i bit my tongue today,my 4 year old did the talking. assfucks kid tried to take my daughters most prized possesion, and bury it in the sandbox. she stood strong, didn’t call out for daddy, and pimp slapped this boy just like ike did to tina. not to mention the boy was a year older and was on the the reverse jared from subway diet. kid fell, i laughed, dad asked for apology, i declined. bears lost 22-20, but nora took #1 in my heart. suck it yuppie. i am off to mcdonalds, girl just earned herself a happy meal. you will have better luck trolling the imported cheese aisle at whole food looking for a manfriend than coming up to me after a loss (i was wearing my willie gualt jersey) till next time……..

obituary caused by marriage

hello children.  i am writing today as i reflect on the life of a friend.  oh not to worry, he isn’t dead, he just got married.  the man who did whatever he dam well pleased, his soul passed away last saturday as the cause of death was a gold ring around his finger.  i am not against the holy union, as my balls were taken from me in 2002, but the more weddings that i attend i finally realize that gene simmons has the right idea. i will now point out why marriage takes down a man like a hooker attacks a john.

1.) free time now becomes our time.  our time means forget about ball games, golf, mid afternoon porn sessions and crapping with the door open while you swill brew and make beef jerky. our time is decorating, home improvement, shopping and farmers markets.

2.) you can no longer simply say that you will meet her out later because she is always there and she knows your bullshit. 35 rounds of golf goes to 6 and solid man hours logged is no longer.

3.) shared t.v.  you may think to yourself “holy shit i’m watching grey’s fucking anatomy when the playoffs are on” but that is exactly what you are doing, being a bitch, watching greys.

so next time you go to the storage unit, garage or basement look for the box that is marked “balls”. you get to strap them on 3 times a year. hold them. coddle them. remember your freedom.  life being married is good, but shit, life crapping with the door open and some solid time watching dukes of hazzard re-runs while talking about chicks and the 75 ways you would do them while deep frying a turkey in your underpants, those days are gone, but were awesome.  so no more mustache party’s or rides, body shots or nude bars at noon. no more hot boxing your closet, mindless tea-bagging or cincinnati bow-ties.  chili cheese fries at 5 am, a fat chick who was hot for the lustful 13 minutes and most importantly freedom to choose a saturday activity, whiffle ball or home depot. RIP Matt

welcome our newest blogger

let’s give a big round of applause for our newest blogger: cockpants.  his creativity and style will be a welcome addition to my little slice of the world here since i am sure many of you are getting bored of hearing me rant all the time.  in any case, let’s show him a bit of respect as he earns his blogging chops and gives us some stuff to talk about………………  three cheers for cockpants.  hip hip, yeah whatever.  i forget the rest.