thank you rcn for giving a damn

not many people out there think about the cable or satellite tv they pay for and most certainly don’t think they get good customer service.  i loathe comcast to the core and would never get service from them again but thankfully where i live i have a great competitor of theirs: rcn.  most people have no idea who rcn is because they are only in certain markets.  it’s the same stuff as comcast, just less money and better customer service.

but anyway, my phone rings today out of the blue and i mostly recognize the number so i answer.  there is a very pleasant woman on the phone from rcn asking me how my day was going and if my service was working out for me.  for those that don’t know, asking how a service is working out for you is usually a pre-cursor to them saying you are behind on your bill.  thankfully i wasn’t.  she asked if there was anything that she could do to help me have a better experience.  so, like a jackass, i say ‘can you help me lower my bill but not drop services?’ in a slightly perky and totally serious response she says ‘sure, i can drop the price of your dvr rental by $5 a month’.

totally taken aback, and again like a jackass i say ‘so what’s the catch? is there a commitment [read: contract]?’.  she politely just says ‘no, no commitment, it’s just a promo we’re running. anything else i can do?’ as i pickup my jaw from the floor i just said ‘nope, that’s it.  thanks again.’

so thank you rcn for actually giving a damn, actively helping me cut my bill but not cutting service.  thank you for looking out for your customers, unlike a certain company that has to rebrand their services to hopefully help improve their image.  yeah, that’s right comcast, i’m looking at you.  nobody’s being fooled by your xfinity bullshit.

chicken bacon ranch pizza: addictive gluttony

while with some friends this weekend we decided to order some pizzas.  i tend to go towards more ‘california’ style pizzas like bbq chicken etc but they really wanted the chicken bacon ranch pizza.  now let me first just say that i thought pizza hut had a lock on injecting the most fat into pizza but this one takes it to a whole new level.

standard white crust, ranch dressing as the sauce (low or no fat dressings need not apply), crumbled bacon, chopped chicken and lots of mozzarella cheese.  cook until golden brown and enjoy.

normally i don’t go for this sort of thing but i tried a slice.  how did it taste? addicting.  let’s put it this way, if i were to make a mathematical equation out of this it would look something like this: fat + fat + fat = delicious.   in this case with every successive bite i felt more and more like that sloth dude from the movie seven.  i think i could actually hear myself getting fatter each time my teeth chomped on the bites.  now i love ranch dressing just as much as the next guy, but this, this was too far.  try it for yourself, but be warned, you might feel the same way.

we did definitely not did see that…..

i teach and more often than not i get on my students about using proper grammar and how it makes you sound professional and more adult and blah blah blah.

well imagine my surprise when i get a little tongue tied speaking to my wife tonight and she calls me out on it.  we were talking about a picture and i said that we had seen it, she replied “no, we haven’t, see…” as she turns her laptop in my direction.  to which the only response that came out of my sober mouth was “we did definitely not did see that”

fail.

if you don’t know and say anything you can sound stupid

the big game is coming on sunday and while superbowl sunday rates highest overall for single days of the year when it comes to: wine and beer consumption, pizza and wing consumption, and domestic battery (i’m not kidding, it’s a real stat) i have some simple advice.  while watching the today show this morning there was this woman giving some “advice for the gals out there”.  there were some gems in there like:

okay gals, the colts are in blue and white and the saints are in black and gold.

the quarterbacks are drew brees, he’s cute, and peyton manning

you want to be able to join in the conversation with the guys so here’s some great tips on what to say to talk-the-talk

say something like “they need to run a play action pass right now”

or “we could really use a blitz”

first off: she is making all women look bad, even when you likely don’t and probably play along well enough.  let me put it to you this way: you should just nod politely instead of following her advice.  here’s why: invariably, although you might mean well, you might say as the colts are on offense and your husband is rooting for the colts, that they really need a blitz.  ding: wrong answer.  cue more beer.

don’t sound stupid.  i’m not saying to just sit there and shut up, just choose your words wisely.  you don’t want us telling you that you look fat in that outfit right?  we just say nothing.  please do everyone the same courtesy.

is anybody out there?

so i guess it’s been over a year since i put something, anything, up other than moderating comments.

well cock pants brought it to my attention and it’s about time to remedy that.  i’m back.

google suggestions – let’s point and laugh

so it’s been around for a while now, but google has suggestions for searches.  we all know and use them and they can be very helpful.  but what happens when you stop and look for a second at what is being suggested for you?  i did a little experiment today, mostly by accident, during one of my searches through firefox’s integrated search.  i only got part of the way into my search when i started laughing uncontrollably at what was being suggested.

now bear in mind, these aren’t specific to me, as i am not logged into google at the moment and my account doesn’t keep search history, nor does my browser keep any history beyond a session.  here’s what was suggested when i searched for: possible to

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

personally i find it hilarious that a possible search is “possible to iterate multiple times over an iterator“.  what is that? and more importantly, who searches for that?  so as a follow-up i searched for: what are the chances

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the scary part was that out of the top 10, 9 of them were dealing with pregnancy in some way.  have we lost our minds?  got any other really normal searches that get some super-random results?  hit us up and let us know.

Tip Ticklers

thank you ohio state for proving my theory true. i watch all bowl games, and sorry ladies if you are not sports fans this blog is not for you.  ohio state goes 11-1 or 10-2 every year and makes it to a sweet bcs bowl game.  they are mediocre at best and for all fans who worship the horseshoe, griffin, hawk and the fact you beat michigan all i have to say is sorry, your team is a cock tease.  ohio state football is the anti fun. it is the girl that you take home and all of a sudden she finds morality.  they are always ranked in the top 10 and have studs that are nfl bound, but when it comes to crunch time they sit on their thumbs.  i hate them for ruining my bowl watching fun.  you know they are going to shit the bed and if i were a gambling man i would wager my house against the choke factory that is this team.  sure you won in 2003, on a bogus pass interference call and a handjob from the back judge, but this is what osu football is to me……

ohio state football is the ultimate tip tickler or commonly referred to as a blue-baller.  you show up to the bar smoking hot and ready for action. you wear your friday underpants, which is code for someone is going to take my pants off and see that i am a party girl and my holiest of holy is going to get some work.  i buy you drinks, we sweet talk and make out in the bar.  i live off campus and you dont so i am in like flynn.  we get naked and diddle around. me with the bean and you with the atari game stick. then, you go to the bathroom. in that bathroom you have a revelation.  the town bicycle no longer is up for riding and you are turning over a new leaf.  you become the anti christ.  you want to cuddle, remember that you have a boyfriend 400 miles away and forget the fact that if the police asked anyone on campus to sketch your poonany 50 people could describe it to the hair. there is no joy in mudville and i cant even pick up the bat anymore after all of the crying.  i am sober and pissed that the other sure thing is in the next room getting worked like a big mac in ethiopia by my roommate that cant even spell.  maybe a handjob you say, ohio state, demon of football.  watching you is like a handjob with a chick wearing sandpaper gloves. no thanks.  Now find your own way home.

dear foodnetwork.com, we need to break up

it was a long time coming and sadly i’m the one who has dragged this out longer than it needed to be, but after years we need to break up.  i’m sorry, and i’m not gonna try and pull the ‘it’s not you it’s me‘ bit, because it clearly isn’t me, it’s all your fault.

see, i used to go to your for advice, guidance and some really good recipes.  now, you have become a vast wasteland of commercials, table-scapes, and ugh, sandra lee and guy fieri.  gone are the days of respectable cooks and chefs like mario batali, ming tsai, and david rosengarten.  these people have been replaced with hacks like sandra lee, rachel ray and guy fieri.  it’s no wonder they jumped ship, they saw where it was all headed and were ahead of the curve.

recently your homepage and whole site, for that matter, underwent a huge revamp and i have to say that frankly it sucks.  i can’t find anything on your site to save my holiday party or even a random weeknight dinner.  i click on one of your pages to view recipes and a new page loads and a video starts, with no recipes on the page at all.  a video?  if i wanted to see emeril fuck up another recipe i would click on the video or turn on your tv channel.  you can’t even get to the recipes anymore without searching for almost exactly the name of the recipe.  what good is that?  i used to got to you for ideas, now i try like hell to stay away.

don’t even get me started on the shameless coupon placement in the actual recipes themselves.  really, who needs a coupon for salt?  it’s salt you dumbasses, it’s dirt cheap. even kosher salt is cheap, do you really need a coupon?  please, please stop making cookware and overpriced tuscan herb mix.  please rework your site to stop trying to hock your shitty wares and corporate sponsorships from wal-mart and kraft.  

listen, until you make some major changes we are through.  i will continue to frequent places like allrecipes.com or epicurious.com.  they have good content that’s a mix of users and pros and really good comments.  their pages load fast, and most of all i don’t feel like i’m purposely going to an entire site that’s one big fucking commercial.  if you’re like me, stay away.

you know, it’s a funny thing about websites that make money off of giving free content by selling ads: if no one goes to the site or clicks on the ads, they don’t make any money.  my vote: stay away.

hate MTV….worship tlc,discovery and bravo

suck it mtv for ruining a great thing. you launched the careers of such greats as duran duran, billy idol, guns n’ roses, men without hats, oingo boingo, morris day and the time and the list goes on and on. now you play crap reality and faux reality shows.  you put on the air the most senseless shit. like a 400 pound teenager who wants to be an underware model. fuck you false hope, the kid cries in his whopper that he isn’t suppose to be eating, the whole show. gone are the days of carson daly, which is good. but he played videos which is also good. the hills would be a guilty pleasure, if it wasnt staged and if you could kill off nude beard spencer. made sucks. i hate the coaches and the kids. if you are 18 and you still wear disney pajamas and watch disney movies on friday night while reciting all of the lines you should be an outcast. fuck you kid. and your parents suck too. where are you dad? your kids a creep and is doomed to be a crooked gaurd at a juvi hall or “that guy” in your neighborhood. now you want to be a prom king….fuck off junior.

i will give my annual tv props to 3 stations and the shows that they have on it.

1.) bravo-top chef. nuff said. project runway good. heidi klum good.

2.)tlc- it takes balls to run this sunday lineup-little people, big world…mermaid girl…didnt know i was pregnant….WOW

3.)discovery-planet earth, bear grylls. 2 awesome shows.

so mtv, take a note. play videos or stop calling yourself mtv. good day.

an open letter to five for fighting

stop.  please for the love of all things stop.  personally i am a huge fan of music, not your music, but you just need to close the cover on the piano and walk away.  though i’m sure many people will read this and see this as free press for the group (one singer actually) but i digress.  you need to stop.

i’m sick and fucking tired of hearing your song ‘world’ as a promo for just about everything.  do i want to watch commercials for ‘the biggest loser’ or ‘extreme makeover: home edition’ and hear  your whiny castrated voice?  do i want to see brian fucking boytano do a figure skating routine on the today show to your song?  do i feel any more compelled to spend my money at sears during the holiday season because of this song?  the answer to all 3 is ‘no’.  a big ‘fuck  you’ no.  i know what kind of world i want, and it doesn’t have you in it.

also, while you’re at it can you destroy all the master gold recordings of your albums that include the following songs: 100 years, superman, world, and easy tonight.  i hope that you can find this a reasonable request.  thank you in advance for your time.  though i will offer one simple consolation.  you can continue to record music, though just never license it for shitty promos ever again.