tips from a computer geek

happy monday to you all. i thought i would share a few tips that are sure fire and come straight from the mouth of the guy you call when things go wrong with your pc (this does apply to all family friends or relatives that you call when things go wrong):

• before you even call me: turn the pc off and turn it back on again, this will more than likely fix what is wrong. yep, thank billy gates and steve ballmer for that.
• your computer is slow: face it, if it’s older than 2 years and you haven’t done a thing to maintain it, tough, you’re toast. it’s like a car, it needs oil changes and whatnot. try maxing out your ram (memory) to improve performance.
• your system tray: all those icons in the bottom right hand corner are running programs. you allowed those to be installed when you installed some software. shame on you. start by shutting them down and possibly uninstall the software all together.
• you bought new hardware: that’s great, don’t use the disc that came with it. go straight to the website and get new drivers or download the latest software. then you won’t have to call me in the first place.
• error messages: these are helpful. don’t call me and only say ‘it won’t work’. tell me what’s up and, seriously, if you get an error message write down the details. if i don’t pickup, type the error into google and you’ll probably find your answer.
• send the horse to the glue factory: if it’s not working right, or is going costing you over $300 to fix; get rid of your computer and buy a new one. don’t pay someone $300 to repair a 4 year old pc when you can pay that much money to buy a new pc without a keyboard, monitor and mouse since you already have those.
• don’t open forwarded emails: it’s an electronic chain letter people. be smart, no harm will come to you if you decide to not forward an email and potentially infect hundreds of your friends with a virus. no bad luck will haunt you or baby pandas will be killed. actually that’s good karma.
• unclutter your desktop: i know you like all those icons there for ‘easy access’ but it’s like carrying all the makeup you own, all the cds in their cases, all the dvds in their cases and a stackful of books with you all the time. it’s just gonna unnecessarily weigh you down. delete them. oh and by deleting them you won’t actually remove the programs.
• the internet is a scary place: the only things you need to surf the web are: internet explorer or mozilla firefox, adobe flash, and java from sun. other than that you don’t need anything else. any prompt telling you that you need something is crap. just don’t do it.
• wireless networking: thanks for all the money. i mean it, this is the number one money maker for me. it’s complicated; it’s not always easy, but seriously buy a decent piece of hardware from linksys or netgear for under $100 and manage it yourself. they have fairly simple user interfaces and for godsakes: password protect your network.
• uninstall useless programs: if you don’t use it; uninstall it. if you don’t know what it is and want to uninstall it: google it and you should know what is up and whether or not you can. other than that, just slim your system down. it’s like nutrisystem for your pc.
• the most important one of all: google your problem. because that’s what i do. i’m not that smart but i pretend to be to impress drunken women at nightclubs. do what i do: just search for your problem and your answer is not far away.

i feel better now that we talked. glad i was able to get some things off my chest. and if your question doesn’t fall into one of the above categories then call me. if you own a mac, then you seemingly won’t ever need to call me, so when we do talk we can discuss the weather and general topics.

toast-a-meal:laziness and stupidty in one small package

just when i thought my kitchen couldn’t possibly use another product made of “space age polymer” i saw this nifty little gem in a commercial on food network. it’s called toast-a-meal and it tops the current running list of stupid infomercial products, at least in my book.

here’s what the bag purports to do: create a crispy delicious meal from your toaster, toaster oven without all the ‘mess’ of making things like grilled cheese or chicken nuggets (which upon viewing the website is spelled wrong) (actual screen shot)

honestly i know what nougat is and if it was chicken flavored i would puke.

i would have thought that perhaps i was having a flashback to my days of psychadelics but i wasn’t. some idiot created this thing and is pitching it to unsuspecting buyers. they are selling 4 of these goddamn bags for $20 plus s&h. they are also throwing in a toaster too, that’s how desperate they are to sell these things.

i implore the reading public: are we still fooled by verbiage like “space-age polymer”? how awful will this really be that they are giving a toaster too? i beg you, don’t buy this crap. don’t buy any crap that’s available for purchase via a 1-800 number. but if you really are curious check it out here.

dispatch the sniper detail immediately!!!

okay, yes it has come to my attention that heidi from ‘the hills’ has made a music video. and by ‘made a music video’ i mean she paid some socially retarded person to write a song and had her bitch ass little fake fiance shoot a video for it. and by shoot a video for it i mean she could have done porno as a newcomer in the valley and had: a better script, better camera angles, better music and gotten paid more. i digress. see below.  but walk away knowing this, a sniper team has been dispatched.  we should hopefully be done with all this shortly.

you’re an inspiration to us all…

if you’ve been watching american gladiators lately there has been a couple competitors that have finished in very poor times during the eliminator.  the same comment was given when their interview started: “you’re an inspiration to us all“.  it’s a lie, a bold lie.  this goes against everything american.  how can you be an inspiration if you’re not a winner?  losers don’t inspire americans.  we want winners.  we crave them.  look at all the spokespeople out there.  they are winners.  they are beautiful, fit, appear to be fun (though are more than likely secretly really bitchy) and inspire.

this is secretly what hulk hogan was saying, “you didn’t win.  you are a loser.  you inspire no one.  your time here was worthless and made for bad tv.  thank you for wasting my time.“  it’s okay hulk, i just said it for you, no need to worry about saving face.

common courtesy - where have you gone?

it’s not a huge thing, really it’s a summation of lots of small things, but nonetheless it’s something our society lacks these days. it takes many forms: the person on the subway who won’t move out of the doorway or blocks the aisle, the person in your office building who won’t hold the door even though they know you are 2 steps behind them, the stranger who refuses to get out of the shoveled path and forces you to walk in the snow, the customer who is having a bad day and insists on bringing others down with them, the driver who is on their cell phone who almost hits you as you legally cross a crosswalk while running (okay, he was just a jackass but you get the point).

people, if i see you do it and i’m really unhappy i will say something but come on. and i might go off on you.  not in a michael-douglas-in-falling-down sort of way, but you get the idea. did your parents not smack you when you were growing up? where the fuck did you get the idea that you could be lazy or annoying and it was ok? who the fuck do you think you are? there i feel better. but seriously it’s really not hard. use your head every now and again. it’s good karma, it will actually come back around to help you one day in life. we as a society will not change unless we all take notice. say something, be a better person.