taste test: red bull simply cola

Red Bull Simply Cola

i have to say that my years of energy drink ingestion have come to an end.  i have since parted ways with red bull, sugar free red bull, monster and the other now-crowded energy drink market.  additionally i have shunned soda altogether, well mostly.  what i have shunned is high fructose corn syrup (hfcs), which is a leading ingredient in most sodas but you would be surprised to find where else it is located.  but that’s for another post.  instead i choose sodas and drinks like jarritos that use only sugar.  i believe, this is my opinion, that when consumed is moderation can still be not-detrimental to your health.  again, i’m getting off topic.

what piqued my interest was the new can design.  i always keep an eye out for new products that can be tested and reviewed.  who knows, you might like them, right?  in this case, hell yeah i liked it.  let’s start from the beginning: the foundation.  what really makes a soda? water, sweetener, carbonation, flavoring, caffeine, caramel color (though the argument can be made that cola can taste like cola and be clear).  most commercial colas use phosphoric acid to add tangy flavors to their drinks and caffeine from an undisclosed source (though it’s likely the same as red bull).  btw, click the link for phosphoric acid and read about rust removal, simply awesome.  again, getting off topic.  red bull has no phosphoric acid, caffeine from coffee (there are only 2 factories that decaffeinate green coffee beans btw) and no artificial colors.

but how do they get it to taste like cola you ask?  simple, with a blend of 16 different spices.  yeah, i know.  the list is hilarious but totally works.  you wouldn’t think to add things like mustard seed, galangal, cardamom, clove and mace to your can of coke, but they sure did.  and you know what?  it worked.  also they get that tangy flavor from lemon juice concentrate instead of that other acid. if you count the flavor combo as one ingredient, than the total number of ingredients comes to 7.  yep, 7 ingredients total.  

the ultimate combo

i would first like to announce that this is me losing my virginity as i finally join the wide world of blog so strap on your speedo and dive into my facinating pool. i have tasted many a chip, as my part time job is continuing to be a fat bastard, in my day and i know what is good, subpar, sublime and down right craptastic.  the blazin’ buffalo and ranch chip that doritos has created…..lets just say that it is the perfect monagery of taste that you can get in a sack of chips. hot, yet combined with a ranch chip now it is refreshing.  i can compare it to the first time i saw live female nipple and i dont mean breastfeeding time if you catch my drift.  i was enlightened as deliciousness danced in my mouth.  and i also know when i have a good product when the office fatso comes by to dig her hands in my party and bogart my snack. you all know that person. loud, obnoxious and never contributes anything of value.  mine reeks of cheese and i know when she is lurking because i automatically get a whiff of gouda. i popped open the bag, and enjoyed and then bam, its cheeseville u.s.a. it’s like being downwind at a fart convention, but i degress. eat this chip and i believe it will transform you into a believer that combo chips can be good and fill your day with joy.  I give this product 3 out of five nuts. eat up squirrels.

taste test: kettle chips backyard barbeque

yes, i know i have been lazy. i’ve had a lot going on and haven’t been getting you the reviews that you guys deserve. so, back again, i’m proud to bring you the latest offering, nationally that is, from the kettle foods team: backyard barbeque. i have to admit, that i am a fan of kettle chips. i actually went to about a dozen stores looking for their ‘island jerk’ flavor until i found them (review to follow). this one was much easier to come by since it was an end cap at my local supermarket. on with the review.

opening the bag: what i love about kettle foods is that they use a heavy duty bag so one thing was certain: the chips were just about whole. the smell was deep and sweet. not like smelling something cooking on the grill, but had that sort of effect. they didn’t smell of oil or potato, all i smelled was seasoning.

crunching down: typical of kettle chips is that the chips were dark, some really dark, and irregularly shaped. biting down was strong, crunchy and rich potato effect followed by the seasoning. the flavors were smokey, sweet, slightly spicy, and while i’m inclined to say tangy i just didn’t see it. okay, they were a rock solid barbeque flavor. imagine the lays barbeque chips, but only more intense flavor and better crunch effect.

overall: not much to say as they were a definite contender to be my barbeque chip of choice. they scored 9.5/10. just delicious. nothing more to say. try a bag out for yourself when you see them. it’s like splurging on a pint of super-premium ice cream: you know you want to.

taste test: lean cuisine chicken philly flatbread melt

i hear the microwave timer going off. that must mean that my total of 2:45 of cooking time is up. today we’re talking lean cuisine. why? why not. it wasn’t the annoying commercials with office women gabbing about how they would like to “eat out the center of a grilled cheese” (sexual puns not intended) that made me buy this. i just was hungry and was too lazy to go to a sub shop.

this is the latest product from lean cuisine that’s a hybrid between atkins dieting and the latest trend of ‘the public will buy anything on a pita as long as we call it a flatbread’ marketing scheme. this one purports to be a chicken philly. i’ve had many a philly cheesesteak, including a pilgrimage to the oldest 2 joints in philly. this was no philly. however it was still good overall. if they had adjusted the name i would have been pleased, but i digest.

enchilada sauce is my #2 favorite salsa for chips

now before purists jump down my throat i would like to remind you that salsa’s literal translation is ‘sauce’.  so there.  now this was an accidental discovery.  my #1 favorite salsa of all time is newman’s own black bean and corn salsa, but recently we were making a recipe for enchiladas and had some left over.  it’s more like we had the equivalent of 2 bottles of sauce left over, but who’s checking account is counting?  certainly not mine.

the recipe called for an equal combination of red and green sauces and since we had a bunch leftover i just tossed it into a bowl and covered it with plastic wrap.  figuring that i would add it to some eggs and other uses, i let it sit in the chill chest.  one day i was craving chips and salsa, but alas we were out of my #1 and i was too lazy to go to the store.  i grabbed the bag of chips and dunked one into the mixed sauce and chowed down.  i was surprised to find that it was smooth, spicy, tomato-ey, a touch smokey with a hint of lime.  i really dug the flavor.  so much so that i killed the bag of chips and nearly all the sauce.  it was a winner.  and chances are if i am in the store and enchilada sauce is on sale i will grab a couple bottles to keep on hand.  it’s a smart move seeing as how 2 bottles of the sauce should cost me about $2.50 for a whole mess of sauce, or in excess of $3 per jar of salsa.

taste test: burger king flame broiled potato chips

i’m just gonna put it out there, the flavor term ‘flame-broiled’ is fairly ambiguous and could mean just about anything. the ketchup and fries flavor seemed rather straight-forward by comparison. however, before ripping into the bag, i’m going to make the assumption that the ideal taste they are going for is like biting into a fresh whopper. that being said it’s now time to close my eyes and open my mind. here we go again.

in the bag: the chips are uniform, again. this time instead of being like fries but thinner, they are perfect circles (like a burger). i bet some manufacturing genius got a sweet bonus for coming up with that connection. the smell really is no different than a regular bag of barbecue potato chips. i am underwhelmed so far. really nothing more to see. i am eager to get to the taste.

crunch time: my first thought is that is does, in fact, taste like a burger from bk.

taste test: burker king ketchup & fries potato chips

holy crap!! i hit the gas station mother-load!! coming off of 12 hours of driving in 60 total hours we turned off the interstate to fuel up. after holding my breath and dealing with an odor that can only be described as ‘a baby diaper full of curry’ in the bathroom i headed out into the main area to get a bottle of water and see what odd atrocities i could find. i scanned the chips and suddenly my eyes widened as i came across a bag of something i have never seen before: burger king potato chips. i was scared and intrigued all at the same time when i grabbed a bag of the ketchup & fries flavor. this would prove to be a great thing and a scary one all at the same time.

p.s. i searched like crazy for these on the interwebs and info is sparse. however after some digging i came across the manufacturers website and found some nutritionals for you to peruse. onto the review.

taste test: la lechera flakes cereal

that’s right folks, once again trixareforkids brings you something from a local supermarcado. today we are talking about the general mills manufactured, but trademark owned by nestle, la lechera flakes cereal.

to say it was an impulse buy is an understatement, but rather more of a curiosity. for those that don’t know, nestle la lechera is a sweetened condensed milk product. the original flavor is still the most popular but they have spawned other flavors and styles as dulche de leche, fat free and even a coffee creamer product. the original product is aimed at the spanish market, however the cereal and condensed milk have labels with dual translations in spanish and english.

the cereal box is no different and can either teach you spanish or provide a ‘rosetta stone’ interface to learn spanish. to be fair we tried the cereal dry (as a snack) and with 2% milk. no bananas or fruits were harmed in the making of this review to show the true taste of the cereal. let’s begin.

taste test: trader joe’s fig cereal bars

okay so the real name on the box is ‘trader joe’s “this fig walks into a bar…” low fat cereal bar’, but i’m just to lazy for that so we’ll just call it tjfcb for short. k?

these were an impulse buy. looking to diversify my breakfasty-type offerings i thought to give these a go since they are low fat and can fit neatly in the desk at the office. you can find these smack between the cereals and sugars (a fitting place in retrospect) in the dry goods isle.

unwrapping: be careful as these are delicate. i advise taking the whole box to work or you will find yourself with a pack of fig crumbles. the smell when unwrapping is super-sweet and decadent. honestly it was almost nauseating how sweet it smelled, however the smell of brown sugar and vanilla left no place for me to smell fig. the aroma was reminiscent of kellogg’s nutri-grain cereal bars, most specifically the apple cinnamon kind.

the bite: soft and more balanced. it was still sweet with the fig paste/sugar combo. the thing practically fell apart in my mouth. the fig paste is more viscous that the paste in a fig newton which, i think, adds to the delicateness of the overall bar. when you chew you can feel the seeds from the fig getting stuck in your teeth. a plus for being real, a minus for getting stuck in my grill.  after a couple seconds of chewing there was this past sticky lump in my mouth.  not super-appetizing really.

afterthoughts: i need a glass of milk. i do, this was really some intense sweetness. as a standalone bar, if this is the only thing you will eat in the morning with your cup of coffee, it can fit the bill but i have found some problems. the size is too small to be the only item you will eat. also, if you drink a latte or macchiato from evilbucks you will have downed your day’s worth of sugar in under 15 minutes.

my lady and i split opinions on this; she loves them and i could take or leave them. while i like the general nutritional info i don’t like that they are not portable (i mean they’ll crumble). overall they get 6.5/10 for being tasty but sweet. pick some up for yourselves if you like, i know there are other varieties too.  if you need me i will be chugging milk and flossing all the seeds out of my teeth.

taste test: archer farms smoky bacon and cheddar crisps

that’s chips to us on this side of the big pond. well i guess in a marketing effort to distinguish fried potato chips from baked potato chips they are calling the baked variety ‘crisps’. in any case these are baked and are purported to be low-fat. let the games begin.