cutting the cord: how to delete my facebook account

subtitle: kiss my ass mark zuckerberg!!!

i’ve grown bored of facebook. i have. realistically let’s face it, social networking has a limited lifespan. after the thrill of catching up with some high school people you were acquaintances with (really, if you were friends you would still talk to them), sharing mild laughs with people you actually talk to, spying on a few exes, wasting a lot of time taking bullshit surveys or playing bullshit games like scrabulous there is really little left to do otherwise. i’m bored. at first i thought it would drive more traffic to my blog, but no luck, i guess people just don’t like me.

anywho, this is no easy task. while it’s my information and i technically own it, i really don’t own it (or at least that’s how facebook sees it). they are “kind enough” to keep things like your profile and wall entries on the site after you ‘attempt’ to delete your account in the hopes that one day you will come back. fuck you!! if i want out, i want out. i know i accepted these terms in the eula (end user license agreement) but i really don’t care. i’m done with you. so here’s a clue for those of you out there that want to do what i did and that’s get rid of your account completely – sack up because this takes some time if you have done a lot on the site:

1. delete all entries in all categories. this sucks btw. okay you literally have to go through every friend you have and delete every post you made to their wall including any posts they made on your wall. the easiest way is to choose ‘wall-to-wall’ and delete each post. then delete the friends themselves. *make sure you delete the wall posts first otherwise this is so much more cumbersome.

2. delete all applications. everything must go, it’s a fire sale. delete them all, one at a time. anything on the applications bar on the left must be deleted.

3. delete anything you can from your profile. if it’s possible to delete it, do it. click the ‘edit’ button next to your profile and delete it all. by the end the only thing left should be your birthday, your name and email. *if i’m missing something, i’m sorry.

4. delete pictures from your account, including your profile pic. then go through and delete your own feed. (as you are deleting they are updating your feed that you are removing programs, this is so fucking annoying).

(to give you an idea, i don’t use facebook a lot and it’s taken me over an hour to do this and i am computer savvy).

5. fill out the form to deactivate your account. the button is listed as ‘deactivate account’. think you’re out? not by a long shot. here’s what the form looks like:

i chose other and gave them a bit of how i feel but read on, there’s more:

you then have to opt-out of notifications. wait, my friends (which i have deleted supposedly) can still do shit with my account, name or tag me in pictures? how is that even possible? not sure, but they say it is. here’s the icing on the cake once you submit the form:

you think i’m gonna wake up one day and say to myself, “you know i really did make a mistake getting rid of my facebook account. i wish there was some way to get back all the happiness that site created for me. my life was soooo much better with facebook in it.” you know, i’ll miss facebook like missing the burning sting of v.d. i’ll miss it like i miss dunking my hand in the deep fryer at 375 degress.

you’re not done yet. there’s still one last step.

6. login to the email account listed to your facebook account and fire up a new email message. to kill 3 birds with one stone address it to the following places: comment-info-rt@facebook.com, privacy@facebook.com, info@facebook.com

i chose to address mine: permanent account deletion request and kindly asked them to completely remove my account. within minutes i receive a canned email response from the privacy@facebook.com address letting me know they would get back to me shortly.

at time of writing there has been no confirmation from facebook regarding the full account deletion. let me just say that this process sucks bigtime. mark zuckerberg if i see you on the street i will punch you in the face and shave your brillo-pad hair. how are you enjoying that undercutting of your company’s $15 billion valuation? cash out while you can fucker-berg and hope i don’t see you on the street.

i will update you guys about how this all plays out.