the following are my predictions for what will happen in 2008 in no particular order.
- barack obama wins presidential election proving it is truly ‘bros before hos’
- starbucks adds more food items to their menu incroaching even further on mcdonalds. ronald mcdonald seen taking orders from yuppies for ‘extra shot venti non-fat latte with 2 splenda’.
- microsoft offers to give away copies of windows vista in hopes of gaining new customers. public responds by noting that they needed to be paid a large sum of money to use the software. settlement talks have since ceased.
- anthony bourdain is arrested and charged with the murder of rachel ray. evidence alleges bourdain’s clothing was splattered in e.v.o.o. and dunkin donuts coffee and there was his bloody fingerprint on one of her signature furi knives used in the killing.
- facebook flops after massive devaluation. steve ballmer sends goons to make mark zuckerberg personally payback the $240M investment from microsoft. in related news zuckerberg has been missing for weeks with unconfirmed sightings in denver, phuket thailand, and jaurez mexico. his location is still unknown.
- google unveils its new ‘embedded search technology’. the premise is to embed a chip in your brain that indexes your thoughts and feelings to help you easily find them, while serving up ‘discreetly placed targeted advertising’ right in your frontal lobe. privacy experts expected to be outraged.
- new study suggests that eating bacon will in fact increase your life expectancy. pork belly prices have never been higher. study later found to be paid for by national pork producers of america.
- red bull found to cause impotence. sales of striped shirts everywhere decline.
- wal-mart secretly found to be run by satan. yes, that satan. sources closes to the evil tyrant say that he is in talks with dr. phil to do a special “sharing his side of the story”.
- apple unveils the ipod poquito. the smallest device ever sporting music, video and wifi. measuring just .1mm x .1mm x .0001mm. consumers scratching head as to how they will watch or listen to anything on the device.
- aol apologizes for sending out billions of cds over the years trying to get the public to sign up for their service. they have video-taped an apology from ceo randy falco and are expected to send it out on cd to every household to ensure the nation sees the apology.
