just sign here and we’ll euthanize your dog

it seemed so commonplace when the words came out of the mouth of the animal control person.  she was husky and stood about 5 feet 8 inches in her black army boots.  oddly enough she never once removed her bluetooth headset from her ear as she corralled my now former dog and loaded him into the back of her van.  understandably, she needed my consent to kill an animal but it was in her delivery, just as i would suspect an accountant who was doing my taxes delivers his request for my signature.  all cold and ‘i’ve done this a million times‘.

let me start back a few months ago.  i got a small pit bull named max from a shelter.  yeah yeah, i’m allll considerate and adopting and whatnot.  this was against the advice of my girlfriend who suggested i get the dog from a breeder.  whatever.  in any case i bring max home and proceed to the usual steps of: dog gets home to new place, pees on floor, i clean up, i scold dog, dog pees again, i clean up and once again scold dog, dog craps on floor, i get fed up and clean up and dog bites me.  welcome home asshole.  way to do something nice.

fast forward a few months later and the dog for whatever reason hates my girlfriend.  she tried to like him, she really did.  but a couple times he came close to damn near taking her hand off when she held out a bone and he went for it.  the other night i was fucking around with him and the goddamn thing bit my fucking hand, broke skin and left like 9 teeth marks.  

so i had it.  i called animal control for them to come and take care of the dog for me.  and by ‘take care’ of the dog i mean i’m okay with them handling it like the mafia did.  with my tax dollars hard at work the animal control woman arrived 3 hours later.  punctual and fast moving.  she shows up and says “we gotta call about a dog“.  i said “yeah, he’s locked in my bedroom, do whatever the hell you want“.  now, i’m not one to preach about abusing animals.  i loved and cared for max, but the fucker actually bit me and not just once, i actually lost count.  that’s how many times he bit me.  done deal, he’s out.

i swear as she was wrangling the dog she actually picked up a call on her headset.  what the fuck.  so she loads the dog in the back of her van and is doing the paperwork.  now, in theory, i’m not actually asking for any sort of sensitivity or compassion since i’m asking her to euthanize my dog but the whole ‘i’ve done this so many times i’m a robot‘ thing just wasn’t cutting it.

name? she barks at me.  can you spell that? she snaps.  where’d you get the dog? i need to see a photo id? an id, why didn’t you just ask for that rather than make me spell my name?  alright all set, just sign here and we’ll euthanize your dog.  and that was it.  with the swift hit of a pen on a 3 copy sheet of paper over a metal clipboard my dog was out of my life.  again, my tax dollars hard at work.  now i’m off to go buy some cleaner for my carpet before my landlord sees the piss stains.  it’s now time to give billy mayes some more of my cash.

google suggestions – let’s point and laugh

so it’s been around for a while now, but google has suggestions for searches.  we all know and use them and they can be very helpful.  but what happens when you stop and look for a second at what is being suggested for you?  i did a little experiment today, mostly by accident, during one of my searches through firefox’s integrated search.  i only got part of the way into my search when i started laughing uncontrollably at what was being suggested.

now bear in mind, these aren’t specific to me, as i am not logged into google at the moment and my account doesn’t keep search history, nor does my browser keep any history beyond a session.  here’s what was suggested when i searched for: possible to

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

personally i find it hilarious that a possible search is “possible to iterate multiple times over an iterator“.  what is that? and more importantly, who searches for that?  so as a follow-up i searched for: what are the chances

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the scary part was that out of the top 10, 9 of them were dealing with pregnancy in some way.  have we lost our minds?  got any other really normal searches that get some super-random results?  hit us up and let us know.

larabar – sweet salty snack, make them at home

when i was training for the marathon i had to modify my diet heavily.  i mean you wouldn’t believe what happens when you train that heavily and put refined stuff in your system.  anyway one of the products i came across in the store was the larabar.  it’s marketed as a healthy snack.  they were selling for $1.60 a piece.  i pickup one up and really liked it.  but as i was eating it i couldn’t help but think that it was too simple.  i mean it was too simple of a bar.  it had only 2 ingredients: dates and cashews.  i thought to myself that i could do better myself.  you know what, i did.  here’s what one looks like from the larabar website:

as you can see it’s really simple and let’s be honest it doesn’t look that appetizing.  oh well.

 

 

and here’s the recipe for mine (yield 14 bars) equivalent to 14 larabars:

• 1# (16 ounces) dates – check the whole foods bulk bins
• 1/2# (8 ounces) cashews – i prefer the trader joe’s roasted/unsalted kind

1. place the cashews in a food processor and pulse to chop.  be careful not to chop too fine as you’ll make a powder.
2. pit the dates and place in a bowl.  microwave the dates for 15 seconds on high.  remove the bowl from the microwave and mash with the back of a fork.  (this part is hard, but the results are worth it) alternately you can try a potato masher.  continue mashing until they form a smooth paste.  they will still be slightly warm.
3. add the nuts in 2 stages to the dates mixing with a spatula (or better yet) your hand.  keep mixing until fully incorpated.
4. take a brownie pan and wipe the inside with a few drops of water.  cover the inside plastic wrap and work out any air bubbles.  this doesn’t need to be perfect either.  add the date/nut mixture to the brownie pan and push into the corners to spread evenly.  place plastic wrap over the top and let sit for 2 hours.
5. turn out onto a cutting board or back of the brownie pan.  cut into 14 even bars and wrap each one in plastic wrap.  leave in the cupboard until ready to eat.  they travel well and are a great afternoon snack or easy to throw in a kids lunch bag.  

and here’s what we get:

and how did we do in terms of money?  well let’s see.  if you buy them online a box, with shipping, of 16 bars will cost you $26.45.  a cost of $1.65 per bar.  

mine cost $9.50 for 14 bars.  a cost of $0.67 per bar.  save yourself around $1 per bar.  man, that’s easy money.

i really hope you give them a try at home since they are easy to make and really addictive.  let me know what you think.

4 hours at the unemployment office

it’s 9:15am and i walk into the local unemployment office.  yeah, i’m laid off, so what.  the sad part isn’t that i’m laid off, no the sad part is that as i walk in and fill out my obligatory form i look down on the sheet and realize i’m number 117 in line.  yep, 117.  they started with 1 and were somewhere near 12 when i arrived.  thank you government workers.  now i have nothing against these people, i just have a beef with everyone else that’s there at the same time.

i can take being number 117, i can take the mixing smell of body odor and deep fryer oil, i can take the crying babies and obnoxious ringtones that are played too loud by people who can find their fucking cell phone when it rings, and i can take the fact that it’s standing room only and that i didn’t bring a book.  fuck me.  what i can’t take is the stupid people who march right up to the counter, interrupt the person who decides whether or not to give you money (brilliant fucking idea asshole) only to utter the most despised words at the unemployment office: but i only have a question.  

hey rim job, we all have questions.  all 117 of us, we all have questions, that’s why we’re here.  do you think for a second i would be here if i didn’t need the money?   i don’t care that you think this is bullshit, we all do, all 117 of us.  i don’t care that you don’t have time for this.  do you think any of us do?

i’m reminded of fight club when this is happening.  you know what asshole: you’re not different, you’re not unique, you’re an individual and you certainly aren’t special like you’re mother kept telling you all those years.  you’re a number just like me.  now grab you’re number, sit down, turn off your cell phone, shut the fuck up and wait you’re turn like the rest of us.  

and for the record: it took 4 hours, to the minute, for me to get to speak to someone.  what did that amount to in monetary terms: the equivalent of $2.87 per hour.  yes, i make per hour somewhere between what soldiers and prisoners make, though with less chance of death or anal rape.  for that small bit i am somewhat grateful.

Tip Ticklers

thank you ohio state for proving my theory true. i watch all bowl games, and sorry ladies if you are not sports fans this blog is not for you.  ohio state goes 11-1 or 10-2 every year and makes it to a sweet bcs bowl game.  they are mediocre at best and for all fans who worship the horseshoe, griffin, hawk and the fact you beat michigan all i have to say is sorry, your team is a cock tease.  ohio state football is the anti fun. it is the girl that you take home and all of a sudden she finds morality.  they are always ranked in the top 10 and have studs that are nfl bound, but when it comes to crunch time they sit on their thumbs.  i hate them for ruining my bowl watching fun.  you know they are going to shit the bed and if i were a gambling man i would wager my house against the choke factory that is this team.  sure you won in 2003, on a bogus pass interference call and a handjob from the back judge, but this is what osu football is to me……

ohio state football is the ultimate tip tickler or commonly referred to as a blue-baller.  you show up to the bar smoking hot and ready for action. you wear your friday underpants, which is code for someone is going to take my pants off and see that i am a party girl and my holiest of holy is going to get some work.  i buy you drinks, we sweet talk and make out in the bar.  i live off campus and you dont so i am in like flynn.  we get naked and diddle around. me with the bean and you with the atari game stick. then, you go to the bathroom. in that bathroom you have a revelation.  the town bicycle no longer is up for riding and you are turning over a new leaf.  you become the anti christ.  you want to cuddle, remember that you have a boyfriend 400 miles away and forget the fact that if the police asked anyone on campus to sketch your poonany 50 people could describe it to the hair. there is no joy in mudville and i cant even pick up the bat anymore after all of the crying.  i am sober and pissed that the other sure thing is in the next room getting worked like a big mac in ethiopia by my roommate that cant even spell.  maybe a handjob you say, ohio state, demon of football.  watching you is like a handjob with a chick wearing sandpaper gloves. no thanks.  Now find your own way home.

good god

I am a night owl or a vampire, either way i am up late. i watch all sports, movies, seinfeld reruns and pray for a cheers marathon. my beef today, in the new year of 2009, good tidings to all, is the christian rock albums that are being peddled. i get if you are of that religion and like the jams. but i dont get the 19 year olds sweating to such hits as ‘my god is an awesome god” while crying and sweating and jamming.  i have seen the stones, the who and was at jerrys last show and i dont get it.  the i can only imagine platinum edition cd collection of christian rock is something that i will never understand. i am watching rocky iv and this is what comes on. and it comes on during sportscenter. sell your cool aid somewhere else. the lord wouldnt charge 19.95 for his word, why should you. dont interupt happy time with your craziness. and the kicker, pop one hit wonder amy grant and others who were great to ass holes who liked them in 1991 are revitalized in this crap rock world. if i am at a concert, the holy spirit isnt running through my veins, it is probably organic and dlightful. and if i am sweating its because i forgot my address not from the power above and if i pay to see a concert, a light show better kick ass. i see mick jagger, townsend and even the late stevie ray vaughn and i think thank god they were a religious experience. christian rock, i  would rather listen to a monkey being de-balled without drugs.  long live the usa, and happy 2009 squirells, a nut is yours afetr hibernation.

dear foodnetwork.com, we need to break up

it was a long time coming and sadly i’m the one who has dragged this out longer than it needed to be, but after years we need to break up.  i’m sorry, and i’m not gonna try and pull the ‘it’s not you it’s me‘ bit, because it clearly isn’t me, it’s all your fault.

see, i used to go to your for advice, guidance and some really good recipes.  now, you have become a vast wasteland of commercials, table-scapes, and ugh, sandra lee and guy fieri.  gone are the days of respectable cooks and chefs like mario batali, ming tsai, and david rosengarten.  these people have been replaced with hacks like sandra lee, rachel ray and guy fieri.  it’s no wonder they jumped ship, they saw where it was all headed and were ahead of the curve.

recently your homepage and whole site, for that matter, underwent a huge revamp and i have to say that frankly it sucks.  i can’t find anything on your site to save my holiday party or even a random weeknight dinner.  i click on one of your pages to view recipes and a new page loads and a video starts, with no recipes on the page at all.  a video?  if i wanted to see emeril fuck up another recipe i would click on the video or turn on your tv channel.  you can’t even get to the recipes anymore without searching for almost exactly the name of the recipe.  what good is that?  i used to got to you for ideas, now i try like hell to stay away.

don’t even get me started on the shameless coupon placement in the actual recipes themselves.  really, who needs a coupon for salt?  it’s salt you dumbasses, it’s dirt cheap. even kosher salt is cheap, do you really need a coupon?  please, please stop making cookware and overpriced tuscan herb mix.  please rework your site to stop trying to hock your shitty wares and corporate sponsorships from wal-mart and kraft.  

listen, until you make some major changes we are through.  i will continue to frequent places like allrecipes.com or epicurious.com.  they have good content that’s a mix of users and pros and really good comments.  their pages load fast, and most of all i don’t feel like i’m purposely going to an entire site that’s one big fucking commercial.  if you’re like me, stay away.

you know, it’s a funny thing about websites that make money off of giving free content by selling ads: if no one goes to the site or clicks on the ads, they don’t make any money.  my vote: stay away.

hate MTV….worship tlc,discovery and bravo

suck it mtv for ruining a great thing. you launched the careers of such greats as duran duran, billy idol, guns n’ roses, men without hats, oingo boingo, morris day and the time and the list goes on and on. now you play crap reality and faux reality shows.  you put on the air the most senseless shit. like a 400 pound teenager who wants to be an underware model. fuck you false hope, the kid cries in his whopper that he isn’t suppose to be eating, the whole show. gone are the days of carson daly, which is good. but he played videos which is also good. the hills would be a guilty pleasure, if it wasnt staged and if you could kill off nude beard spencer. made sucks. i hate the coaches and the kids. if you are 18 and you still wear disney pajamas and watch disney movies on friday night while reciting all of the lines you should be an outcast. fuck you kid. and your parents suck too. where are you dad? your kids a creep and is doomed to be a crooked gaurd at a juvi hall or “that guy” in your neighborhood. now you want to be a prom king….fuck off junior.

i will give my annual tv props to 3 stations and the shows that they have on it.

1.) bravo-top chef. nuff said. project runway good. heidi klum good.

2.)tlc- it takes balls to run this sunday lineup-little people, big world…mermaid girl…didnt know i was pregnant….WOW

3.)discovery-planet earth, bear grylls. 2 awesome shows.

so mtv, take a note. play videos or stop calling yourself mtv. good day.

an open letter to five for fighting

stop.  please for the love of all things stop.  personally i am a huge fan of music, not your music, but you just need to close the cover on the piano and walk away.  though i’m sure many people will read this and see this as free press for the group (one singer actually) but i digress.  you need to stop.

i’m sick and fucking tired of hearing your song ‘world’ as a promo for just about everything.  do i want to watch commercials for ‘the biggest loser’ or ‘extreme makeover: home edition’ and hear  your whiny castrated voice?  do i want to see brian fucking boytano do a figure skating routine on the today show to your song?  do i feel any more compelled to spend my money at sears during the holiday season because of this song?  the answer to all 3 is ‘no’.  a big ‘fuck  you’ no.  i know what kind of world i want, and it doesn’t have you in it.

also, while you’re at it can you destroy all the master gold recordings of your albums that include the following songs: 100 years, superman, world, and easy tonight.  i hope that you can find this a reasonable request.  thank you in advance for your time.  though i will offer one simple consolation.  you can continue to record music, though just never license it for shitty promos ever again.

Ahhhhhh…..the Holidays

being a guy who thinks the holiday season is full of crap, i would like to issue some topics that are off limits at holiday parties, that is off limits for discussion.  these topics make a party fun, but given the crowd we as normal people can’t bring them up, which makes talking with your gay, republican, seminarian, protestant, yoga instructor, pedi uncle hard.

1.) politics- don’t try this topic on the southside, or any side, there is always a bush fanatic that thinks all is well and shit happens for a reason, like a depression.

2.) masturbation- a funny topic in general like public intoxication and urination. just not a topic while you pass stuffing to your fat aunt rose who hasn’t had a manfriend visit the sanctuary in 30 years and cant find the cooter located somewhere under her belly button with an atlas and gps.

3.) race-chances are your father or grandfather has never had a friens with different skin tones, and they are 12 nogs deep.  leave this alone, it is always no fun.

4.) homosexuality- falls in line with race, and lets face it, lesbian porn isnt reality and people just dont live in the real world. not that there is anything wrong with that,

5.) annnnnd finally…..in the spirit of 2008. the Jonas Brothers.  who the fuck cares and why are they in existence is a topic in itself.  but you may have niece that cares and doesn’t give a shit that they dont really play music and that the whole point of being in a boy band is to snag ass, and not stay celibate.  so fuck you jonas bros, you are the anti christ, fun and man dream.

how do i start off a holiday conversation……..i break the rules and simply say…”any of you guys remember the time when you fucked a sock with shampoo in it, while watching lesbian porn, with your african american friend who hates jesus and the president while worshiping allah, and listening to the new jonas album.”……..good times.